Windows

by Marilou Diaz-Abayao

Soon after I was diagnosed with breast cancer in January this year, I went to visit my friend Bobbit Suntay at Carewell, Makati. At the entrance door, I was greeted by Jackie Suntay, smiling as bright as the morning sun, in a delightful memorial photograph by the sea.  I had known her and Bobbit as fellow scuba divers and as my neighbors in Anilao, Batangas. We shared a passion for the sea and never tired of marveling at its reefs teeming with life in myriad forms, colors, and sizes, all in perpetual motion and harmony. The underwater world can be experienced as a wealth of emotions, of wonder and awe, and also of humility in the realization that as human beings, we belong to a much bigger community that is all of creation.  Creatures are spawned; they complete a life span, they fade away, then they are gone, giving way to new lives and life forms. The deeper underwater, the clearer one’s mind and body become. The quieter, the calmer, the more restful one feels. Perhaps it’s why Jackie had asked for her ashes to be spread through coral reefs.  Memories of the sea and Jackie flooded my heart and calmed my spirit. 

      Then I learned that Carewell had just newly opened at precisely the time when I most needed to be educated about my new condition, and that common friends, including Fr. Johnny Go, S.J. as Chaplain, were committed supporters and collaborators.  And who would’ve thought that Bobbit, who, years ago had been a diving buddy, would now be my cancer buddy too? I sensed a propitious convergence of human lives and events.  I thought to myself , “I couldn’t have  cancer at a better time than this!” Smile.  

      Inside the Carewell facility, I instantly felt at home.  The sight of so many brightly bound books blended pleasantly with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee.  The wooden floor, round table and comfy chairs beckoned one to sit quietly and read by a picture window. In the inner rooms nearby were outsized sofas where one could nap or meet with friends and counselors, or reflect upon various art works hung casually on softly lit walls.  I had a sudden urge to paint something in memory of Jackie, to celebrate the fullness of her life and vision. Then I noticed large windows in each room allowing for much sunshine and cheer to come through. Here, as she must have planned, I found an oasis where I would soon encounter other cancer pilgrims sharing meals and stories, tears and laughter, joys and sorrows, prayers and, above all,  much hope. 

      When I was first told about Jackie’s life story, I was inspired by her courage, her dignity and grace, her spunk and sense of humor amidst overwhelming adversities.  I realized that the challenge of cancer may not be so much in just literally surviving it, but, even more importantly, in being worthy trying to live well with it. I wanted to be like her as I faced my own cancer journey, and I was deeply comforted to have Bobbit, his family and community for their solidarity and friendship.  I would soon realize that their warm hospitality extended beyond the walls of Carewell and the boundary of Makati City.     

      I found myself in the company of fellow cancer survivors at Bobbit’s rest house in Anilao for a weekend respite. The sea is legendary for its healing effects on battered bodies and souls, and I was delighted to share this elixir with newfound friends Marissa Oreta, Sylvia Ardona, Mae Castro, and Marissa Nerida. Whenever I swim at sea in between cycles of chemotherapy, I feel as though chemical debris evaporates from my body.  It always cleanses and exhilarates me as I am sure it would, too, all other weary pilgrims in need of physical and spiritual refreshment. 

      Even our simple lunch of sinigang na salmon tasted more delicious as we ate al fresco in salty air.  Eating together makes storytelling easier. We traded personal remedies for our multitude ailments and discomforts, the most efficacious being a steady flow of optimism and humor.  I ended up being the clown fish of the group, being the one with the most number of punch lines strictly for cancer-stricken listeners.  Haha. We would have laughed all afternoon had we enough stamina. Well, there will be more days and better days to come, God willing. What a treat it was for us ladies, inconvenienced by various cancers, but all the more pampered by our host Bobbit, tending to us on the 17th of June,  a Happy Father’s Day! 

      I did get to finish a painting in honor of Jackie. It’s an oil on canvass showing “Beatrice”, her favorite dive site, the most gorgeous in Anilao.  It’s hung on the wall above the receptionist’s desk, looking more like a window to an outdoor view, a quiet reminder that beyond our little confinements lies another dimension of possibilities for the quality of our lives.